Mimpi.

3.20 am.

Gua terjaga dari tidur. Macam biasa, kalau mimpi BPR, gua akan duduk termenung sambil hisap rokok.

Mimpi kali ni agak aneh, pelik, teruk dan gua tak tahu apa connection nya. Ya, gua suka buat tanggapan sendiri terhadap mimpi walaupun gua tahu semuanya hanya permainan tidur. Ceritanya begini;

Situasi berlaku di kawasan rumah lama di Danau Kota. Keadaannya sama seperti gua tinggalkan dulu. Tiada kacau bilau, tiada hiruk pikuk. Gua tak pasti umur gua berapa kerana saiz badan gua kerap bertukar.

Dan BPR gua dan sorang lagi makwe pun enterframe. Naik kereta kebal. Besar bagak tinggi rumah. Perasaan gua: gua rasa macam kawan lama masa kecik. Orang lain sekeliling macam tak ambil pusing pasal dua budak perempuan datang bawa kereta kebal. Cukup Inception.

Gua pun datang tegur dua budak perempuan tu. Dan macam gua cakap tadi, saiz badan gua dan mereka turut berubah. Dah tak budak dah. Saiz badan gua katang macam Brad Pitt. Ni gua tipu. Gua pun berbual dengan makwe sorang lagi. Dialog gua dah lupa. BPR tengah sibuk setting kereta kebal dekat atas.

Entah macam mana gua boleh follow makwe ni balik rumah. BPR pula menyusul kemudian. Gua macam tak ambil pusing lagi pasal BPR. Situasi membawa gua ke lorong perumahan. Makwe tu ajak gua lalu jalan belakang. Gua insist lalu jalan depan pasal jalan belakang rumah penuh kotor dengan macam-macam objek yang gua tak nak cerita. Gore waktu siang yang biasa.

Makwe tu berkeras nak ikut jalan belakang. Gua turutkan saja. Dan gua pun follow makwe tu menempuh jalan-jalan yang sukar. Sampai masuk satu rumah terbiar dan ikut dia panjat dalam loteng atap rumah. Sekali lagi fizikal badan gua berubah. Entah macam mana gua boleh muat masuk loteng gua pun tak tahu. Mungkin gua ada bakat jadi arkitek Inception. Lepas ni gua apply dekat JobSreet.

Panjat punya panjat, gua pun sampai dekat rumah makwe tu. Rumah family dia. FYI, kawasan rumah kat Danau Kota tu kawasan rumah teres. Jadi sebagai arkitek mimpi, gua automatik boleh ejas yang loteng atap rumah tu ada connection sepanjang teresnya.

Makwe tu bilang sama gua suruh gua duduk senyap-senyap. Nanti nenek dia nampak, nenek dia bising. Dia pun keluar dari bilik dan lupa tutup pintu. Gua biarkan saja pintu terbuka. Entah macam mana adik perempuan gua pun ada dalam bilik tu. Sambil tengok cermin, adik gua cakap tu member dia. Langsung tak ada sebarang respon negatif yang gua dah masuk rumah orang secara haram dan tambahan pula bilik perempuan. Perasaan gua: biasa-biasa saja.

Entah macam mana situasi gua bertukar lagi. Saiz badan normal, gua sedang pakai kain pelikat tanpa pakai baju dan sedang pegang gitar. Dan yang paling aneh gua boleh strumming gitar tu dengan baik. Lagaknya seperti John Mayer. Perasaan gua: Oh, elok pula tuning gitar ni.

Sedang leka strumming, nenek makwe tu lintas depan bilik. Muka dia antara perasan tak perasan saja gua di situ. Dia lintas, masuk bilik sebelah dan terus keluar balik sambil pegang pisau dan daun pandan. Apa kes ambil daun pandan dekat dalam bilik tingkat dua? Gua rasa gua memang arkitek Inception yang artistik. Heh.

Lepas saja nenek tu turun ke bawah, gua dapat dengar suara nenek tu membebel. Membebel pada makwe tu dan ibunya gua rasa. Bunyi macam marah pasal ada budak lelaki dalam bilik. Gua la tu. Hati gua jadi tak tenang. Rasa bersalah. Adik gua masih lagi tenang tengok cermin.

Mana pergi BPR gua?

Merah.

Gua sedang leka kunyah cucur di satu sudut kedai. Gua konfius dengan cucur yang gua beli dari pasar malam tadi. Adakah ini cucur badak, cucur udang, atau semata-mata cucur kodok sahaja. Sedang leka mendeduksi makanan sendiri, datang seorang lelaki misteri duduk semeja di sudut gelap. Gua samar-samar akan wajahnya.

"Aku tahu kau ada masalah." Bilang lelaki misteri.

"Siapa yang tak ada." Jawab gua spontan.

Lelaki misteri tersebut capai kotak Winston gua. Dia dirikan kotak tersebut. Kemudian dia dirikan pula lighter cricket gua. Hati gua tersentak. Tapi gua masih belum cemas. Gua fikir lelaki ini buta tuli menembak.

"Merah." Lelaki misteri senyum sinis.

"Shit." Gua dah tak dapat sembunyi cemas gua.

Lelaki misteri tersebut menghulurkan sepucuk Colt .45. Sial.

"Nah, jalan penyelesaian. Hapuskan memori kau." Lelaki misteri semakin serius.

Hati gua dari berdebar bertukar jadi marah.

"Kau tak ada hak nak campur urusan aku. Memori ini aku tak akan hapuskan." Balas gua tegas.

"Kenapa tidak? Kau nak kekal sebagai lelaki gagal sampai bila?"

"Aku tahu aku gagal, aku bacul. Tapi aku tak mahu hapuskan memori ini."

BAMMM!!

Lelaki misteri menghempas tangannya di meja. Mata aku terpaku pada jam tangan nya. Jam retak berjenama Milane. Aku semakin gusar.

"Kau mesti hapuskan! Atau hati kau tak akan terbuka sampai bila-bila!" Jerkah lelaki misteri seraya mengeluarkan kepala nya dari bayang.

"A...a.. aku?" Terperanjat beruk aku, hampir terjatuh dari kerusi sendiri.

"Ya, aku adalah kau. Alter-ego kau sendiri." Jawab lelaki misteri sambil menyalakan rokok Winston aku.

Tangan aku menggeletar mencapai pistol di atas meja. Aku off kan safety nya. Jari telunjuk bersedia pada picu. Muncung pistol dihala pada kepala sendiri.

"Ini yang kau mahukan bukan?!! Lupakan segalanya?! Bunuh diri??!!" Mata gua berair.

"Yaaa. Dan supaya kau tak mati tertanya-tanya, aku akan beritahu kau satu lagi perkara."

"APAAA???"

"Ini cucur badak." Jawab lelaki misteri sambil menyuap cucur ke mulut sendiri.

FUCK. Hati gua tersentap. Marah. Sangat marah. Pantas gua hala pistol pada lelaki misteri dan tanpa fikir dua kali.........

POOOOWWW!!!!!

Gua tiup kepala pistol seraya berkata,

"Daging badak jual kat pasar gelap, bukan pasar malam."

"Bodoh."


"Dream. Send me a sign. Turn back the clock. Give me some time. I need to break out." -Ryan Star, Brand New Day.

Negative Attitude and Concealed Feelings.

Makes a perfect hypocrite. I wonder if it is natural by nature or just being a plain coward? These past few days, I just learned a thing about microexpression. Because it is a micro, it is almost impossible to notice without years of practicing.

Although, we occasionally did detect if someone was lying. It is that we wasn't that sure and was afraid if the other would suddenly snap when being accused. Or maybe we just being polite.

I support any romantic proposal. I love romantic movies. I know how to be romantic. But it never occur to me to try to be one. Because for one thing, that I know for sure, people tend to get tired. And after that every to fade to black. It is called commitment.

I saw many girls fb's status, and some from blogs. It seems that they were living above the cloud nine and they loves it. I love to be surprise like this, I love to be pamper that way. When will they learn that there is no men like that? Once in their pants, poof, gone. Goodbye red roses here come occasionally white tulips.

But it wasn't fair to women if men being an unromantic son of a bitch their whole life. Maybe once in while it is okay, but men tends to forget. Just remind no hint and stop smothering. Men are hypocrite by nature with ego on top.

Well, in the end, just to prove when someone is lying you need to be a tougher jackass. Vicious eye contact, throw a few hand gesture, clear voice, quick on words, and most importantly, believe you're right even when you're wrong.

In a fierce conversation, we often throwing junks when we're out of facts. Then create a new believable fact. Preferable one with explainable chaining reaction, support by some true obvious facts. It is called speculate. Or gossip. It is just for the win sake. Nothing is more sweet that winnings.

Horray, only one more chapter for a new book!

Billionaire.

Good riddance Argentina.

What a nice game between Germany and Argentina. Salute to Argies players for showing a good fighting spirit until the end. And it is a wise decision to cheer on Germany tonight since I did enjoy the the frustrating faces on Argies fans. As the Argies scored their first goal, the crowds at mapley were cheering like hell just to know it was an offside. Hahaha...

Anyway, as I came back from mapley with a happy evil face, the billionaire song was play on the radio. The song keep playing in my mind and I just can't help it to You Tubed for it. And for a while it got me thinking. A cross reference thinking to an episode of Leverage. It has already becoming a habit for me to cross reference for everything that was on my mind lately.

There was something that tickles my mind from watching 'The Reunion Job' episode (Leverage, season 3, 2nd episode). You see, the rich mogul called Doucherman is a real life douchebag. He feel that he has a need to show off his success to his alumni fellows. He thought that it was satisfying to rub it on their faces. Well it is not.

Let me be frank with you, I was a John Doe in every school I went. Primary and secondary, there was a few people who still remember me. And I always avoid every chance I had for a reunion. At first, I thought I will join the reunion when at least I can afford my own car. But then, it got me thinking again. Why should I? What I got to say to them? There is only a few tiny bits of memories of them left inside my head. No, I better be stay anonymous.

As for my life in university, things were the other way around. From MMU to MFI, people do recognize me somehow. Even once in a while when I did visited Malacca, there was a few passerby who recognize me. Even the nyonya from mini mart still recognize me after a few years of my absentees. Then again, it did flatter me in some way.

In the Billionaire music video (Travie McCoy ft. Bruno Mars), Travie portray as a cool billionaire who shows an act of random kindness to any passerby. Then it struck me again, maybe if one day I did becoming a billionaire, I would do the same thing.

One death is a tragedy, a thousand deaths is a statistic. Well, the same holds true for acts of charity. - Sophie Deveraux, Leverage.

You know, instead of build a school, clinic or whatsoever, it is better to help people individually. Instead of donating a big check and make it to the front cover of newspaper, it is better to give a new car to your own relatives or friends and make it into their heart.

If I ever make it as a billionaire, Everyday I wish to wake up in different city and different country. Start with from an urban town like Tokyo, London, Manhattan, Paris to a rural town like Hokkaido, Hampshire, Dublin, Dordogne or wherever that has a serene surrounding.

My first plan is to shop anything that is shoppable. Clothes, gizmos, perfumes, or maybe some random Viking lamp. I will record my journey. Not 24/7. Just a little sneak peek of some location and some random ramblings without any further embarrassment that will mark me as a typical tourist. And at the end of the day I will write a journal that will be publish into this blog.

I will choose a few items to take with me and mail the rest back to Malaysia along with some souvenir to family and friends. And of course, a key chain for my keepsake. You see, even now I have tons of key chain on my bag. Even though I already lost some of them, I will not give up. After all, I am a man of habit. I'll make sure to buy two of them. One to put on my back pack and the other one I will mail it back to Malaysia. Heh. Just in case I lost my luggage.

After tired with shopping and some uptown activities, I will visit any rural area. Maybe rent a country home in Dublin. Walk through bed of flowers and endless road. Drink a cup of coffee in the morning. Visit any museum. Do some history research. Or maybe go fishing in Hokkaido. Visit the their fish market. Visit some farm. Like apple farm in Manchester. My parents used to visit there when I was still a baby. Maybe one day, if the farm still exist, I will visit there. I still got the address though.

Well, you know, if one is a billionaire, I doubt he or she is a nobody. As for me, as I travel for different countries, I might as well visit some technology companies, maybe if I am lucky, I can pick up few things. Or maybe I will be inspire or discover something new. Invent or improve something.

Or maybe sample some fruits or vegetables. Learn the thing that is necessary for them to grow. I always wonder how did they grow the Matsutake Mushroom. Or learn a few anglers trick. Catch some big fish and print the body on a big paper. You know, the one that the Japanese did and they frame it after that. Most likely can be seen inside a restaurant.

Well, for what its worth, I had loooong treacherous way to make it as a billionaire. I maybe will start earning my own money when I am 25. I have to pay both of my student loans. And maybe after this, house loan, car loan. Life is a debt you know and I just don't like this kind of debt. And for godsake! Robert Kiyosaki's book still doesn't make any sense. At all! Or maybe I'm too dense with business jargon.

"Toss a couple milli in the air just for the heck of it." - Travie McCoy ft. Bruno Mars, Billionaire.

Gua Nak Bela Rambut Balik!

Gua dah rimas rambut pendek. Gua nak simpan balik rambut panjang bagi orang lain pula rimas. Gua sorang saja rimas mana boleh. Dari teori ilmu alam gua, gua rasa dalam nak dekat raya nanti rambut gua panjang balik. Dan gua tau makcik - makcik gua, sepupu sepapat gua semua rimas tengok gua masa raya. Hahaha. Memang gua suka orang rimas tengok gua.

Bela rambut balik ye. Orang perak cakap 'bela' ni maksud dia repair. Uncle Seekers kata 'bela' ni memiliki. Gua kata 'bela' ni biarkan saja. Setahun sekali lah gua pakai hair conditioner. Tengok mood metroseksual gua. Jantan tipikal biasa lah.

Gua dah sebulan merancang nak pergi tampal kasut gua. Tapak dah terkoyak. Dan juga dah sampai masa untuk aku potong kaki seluar. First time pakai seluar mahal bhai. sayang nak potong. Tapi dah genap dua tahun aku pakai seluar ni. Aku rasa dah sampai masa nak kena potong kaki seluar dia. hari-hari sapu jalanraya. Balik rumah mesti bawa balik batu dua tiga biji punya dekat kaki seluar. Konfem.

Dalam masa sebulan gua rancang nak buat dua benda tu, sudah nya mesti gua tak jadi buat. Macam macam alasan emosi yang tak diterima akal orang lain. Atau dalam bahasa saintifiknya, malas! Cakap orang suruh rajin memang senang, bila dah kena batang hidung sendiri benda simple macam ni pun tak boleh buat. Drive 10 minit pergi Warta pun payah. Jumlah masa berurusan dalam satu jam saja, jawab periksa satu paper 3 jam straight sampai kebas punggung berasap kepala boleh pula.

Bercakap pasal jawab periksa ni pula. Gua akan rasa high saja tiap kali keluar dewan periksa. Hembusan rokok paling best dan rare adalah selepas jawab periksa. Lagi-lagi kalau langit cerah awan berarak, mentari menyinar. Rasa macam baru lepas perang. Rasa hero tak terkata. Kalau masa tu rambut panjang, kena pula tiupan angin, memang rasa superhero plus plus. Hahaha...

Tadi gua belek gambar-gambar. Ada satu caption tulis 'young and hopeless'. Gua rasa gua pegang title tu sekarang. Gua betul-betul tak nampak mana hala tuju gua sekarang. Kerja apa gua nak buat? Kereta apa gua nak pakai? Rumah mana gua nak beli? Dan yang penting sekali, tulang rusuk mana yang padan sama gua?

Tulang rusuk. Gua rasa gua pernah ada conversation ilmiah pasal ni masa first year gua dekat MMU. Macam mana yang lelaki kekurangan satu tulang rusuk yang perlu diberi kepada perempuan. Asal nya rasa macam tu lah lebih kurang cerita dia dan entah macam mana gua yang sangat naif masa tu boleh suggest yang teman hidup kita, itu lah tulang rusuk yang kita hilang selama ni. Dan tak semena mena member gua dapat idea pick up line baru.

Dia pernah gua atau tidak pick up line tu aku tak tau. Tapi yang pasti gua tak pernah guna. Dan gua ada perasan lagu drama cerita melayu petang Maghrib ada sebut tulang rusuk. Gua tak dapat tangkap ayat dia. Pasal dia nyanyi laju dan gua malas nak ambil port secara serius. Cuma setiap kali gua dengar, detik berseloroh beberapa tahun yang lepas buat gua jauh termenung. Saat paling gembira dan bebas dalam hidup gua.

Sampai bila nak jadi 'young and hopeless'? Sampai jadi 'old and hopeless' kah? Tidak. Gua rasa tempoh 'young and hopeless' gua akan berakhir tahun ni. Itu hari gua balik solat jumaat, sedang gua leka jalan menonong, datang sorang mamat jalan seiring dengan gua. Elok saja gua nak kasi flying kick secara kasar, rupa-rupanya mamat ni pernah kelas sama gua.

"Eh? Dah kerja ke? Kerja mana? Sony?"

Tunggang langgang jadi soalan gua. Tak sengaja ter-retorikal. Dah terang-terang dia pakai vest Sony. Dia bilang dia tengah intra. Hati gua jauh menusuk yang dia macam segan saja kalau kerja tetap sekali pun di Sony. Tapi memang gua dah tahu dia intra. Gua saja buat spekulasi busuk. Hahaha... Gua tanya lagi soalan retorikal.

"Amacam paper last sem? Okay?"

Mamat tu tergelak. Muka happy lahanat. Memang gua nampak lah kebebasan di raut wajahnya. Gua memang pandai baca orang. Itu lah cikgu gua cakap dulu, orang Amerika suka baca buku, orang kita suka baca orang. Gua memang orang kita yang sejati.

Pernah tengok 'Up in the air'? Ada sekali George Clooney cakap, Kenapa budak-budak suka pada atlet? Pasal dia orang kejar cita-cita dia orang. Bullshit! siapa yang tulis skrip tu? Gua tak pernah admire mana-mana atlet langsung. Ada sekali gua pernah admire Hakuto dan Minami. Gua nak join special forces tentang raksasa ganas. Dengan harapan gua akan dipilih sebagai the next Ultraman. Lepas gua tau raksasa memang tak wujud dekat jepun, gua dah tak pernah admire siapa-siapa.

Cakap pasal cerita tu, Lu orang cuba tengok kerjaya George Clooney. Gua rasa kerjaya macam brader tu memang cool sampai lah satu masa yang minah Twilight ni decide to go 'Glocal'. Apa neraka? merampus lah brader Clooney, gua sendiri tengok pun palat. Ada pula nak fire orang guna video conference. Gua palat bukan nya nak cerita kesan psikologikal nya fire orang guna cara tu, Tapi sebab privilege untuk travel on air secara percuma kena tarik! Shit! siapa tak bengang!

Secara jujurnya apa yang minah twilight tu cakap, yang guys have to piss everywhere to mark their spot like dogs was anotherr bullshit. Memang brader Clooney tu cakap dia nak kejar milage on air tu. Tapi gua rasa tak semestinya sebab tu, dia nak benda tu jadi memori kebebasan dia. Ish, gua rasa gua paham lu la brader Clooney.

Okay, esok gua nak pergi tampal kasut dan jahit seluar. Tapi seluar gua tak basuh lagi. Damn.

Plans.

Plans... plans... i gotta make some plans. You know, gotta get my feet on the fair ground. I'm tired of living like these. I literally don't have anything to do. I know I got tons of work to do but I just can't make up my mind to do them. Every single day, I woke up, staring at the ceiling for 5 minutes, close back my eyes and there I am again.

I've been doing a lot talking to the wall lately. You know, you never got verbally abuse by talking to the wall. It's pathetic. I'm loathing myself for doing that sometimes. What a loser. But in some ways, I found it extremely satisfied. Well not extremely, just a bit. Having a wall as your best secret keeper wasn't exactly any sane human will do. It suck. It does. Then again walls do have eyes. Yeah, I'm a fan of spies flick.

Dual personalities, between superheroes and spies. I'm more prefer spies than superheroes. I mean come on, who can actually fly? What I like about spies life is that you got to be anyone you want to be. Given that you have to keep that secret from your families and love one. And also your life is at stake. No problemo. Sure the big picture is you have to give up your life. But yeah, why not. We serve for our country. We died as a hero.

Actually, I'm not concurrently personified on how suave James Bond can be. I mean he got English accent. Man, I told you that is a big foul play. Like playing football without a goalkeeper. Then again, all spies has a good look, which I know I'm not gonna done so well even if I try.

Well then again, I've these things called honesty. I know girls like honesty, big time! But hey, you know, tell me who doestn't lie in this world? I know I am as straight as an arrow. I am honest most of the time. But I'm a big fan of keeping secret and I am sure I am good at digging them also. Yeah, there is not so much secret about me. At all. Except from this blog, that I have no idea who ever read this.

You know, I purposely left the blog title as Kuntil Midon. Which who ever wanna pick a bone with me can google from that name and found this blog. I mean Kuntil Midon was not such a big secret for those who ever know me. And for all I know, as a spy, keeping stuff on the world wide web is a big no. Which also got me thinking why do some flick even bother to left all their information inside their laptop and never bother to turn it off and cut off the internet connection.

You know, if it was me, i'll do it old school. Papers and files. And tapes. Unless the hacker is also a thief, there is no way they can steal my information. So they can't never get a dirt on you. Because you know, emotion is such big failure for being a spy.

Crap. Actually, the reason why I wrote these was to straighten up myself. So that I will start doing my FYP with a clear head tomorrow. But all I end up with is all this gibberish talk about being a spy. Boys will be boys. Hah, I wish that wasn't true.

"Be a man!" - Russell Peters.

Muda.

Sejak aku lahir ke dunia, dari saat aku melepaskan genggaman tangan aku, aku sudah mula bersedia sahut cabaran dunia. Bibit audio pertama yang diluahkan, tapak tatih yang dilangkah, bukannya ciri seorang manusia yang gagal. Makan, tidur, makan, tidur sampailah aku mula punya keinginan sendiri. Tak langsung mencerminkan evolusi yang tak sempurna.

Muda.

Kenapa aku selalu tak bertenaga. Kenapa hati aku tak pernah tenang. Aku tak pernah gembira. Ketawa aku spastik. Nada 'haha' dari hujung bibir aku tak pernah sampai ke telinga sendiri. Tak kira berapa kuat aku ketawa, aku masih tak dengar bunyinya. Samar pun tidak.

Muda.

Aku tak faham. Apa aku lakukan selama ini ikhlas atau tidak. Tak kira apa pun. Aku tak rasa aku ikhlas. Plastik. Aku sentiasa ada niat tersembunyi. Orang tak tahu, aku penuh berahsia. Itu sebabnya aku pilih untuk tidak bersuara. Tak cukup ikhlas.

Muda.

Penumbuk aku masih teruna. Dan aku harap dia akan terus teruna sampai hari aku berhenti bernafas. Aku tak dapat kawal marah aku. Bukan marah pada sesiapa, marah pada diri sendiri. Marah yang berselubung di jiwa buat aku tak kenal siapa aku sebenarnya lagi.

Muda.

Berurusan dengan manusia lebih menyeramkan dari berurusan dengan hantu. Aku selalu persetankan ideologi orang lain. Mungkin kerana itu aku lahirnya rasa takut dalam hati. Walaupun jauh beribu batu aku lari, hati aku tetap tak tenang.

Muda.

Banyak benda nak dipersoalkan. Kenapa hujan turun? Kenapa burung dapat terbang? Kenapa Oksigen perlu untuk pembakaran lengkap? Kenapa Voltan berkadar songsang dengan rintangan? Kenapa perlu ada rasa cinta? Kenapa tidak boleh hidup berseorangan? Kenapa perlu bernafas? Aku lemas sendirian.

Muda.

Tahukah kamu, dari struktur otak manusia saja kita boleh selesaikan pelbagai masalah di dunia? Artificial Neural Network contoh terdekat. Aku kagum. Lagi banyak aku tahu lagi banyak aku berfikir. Walaupun aku bukanlah dari bidang psikologi, cuma garapan sendiri dari ilmu kejuruteraan, cukup buat aku gementar. Tahukah kamu macamana nak tukar bateri kereta?

Muda.

Aku ingat aku ini simple minded, nampaknya aku hanya bermimpi di siang hari. Aku cuma bersembunyi tutup mata, tutup telinga. Kemas mana pun aku tutup, anak mata tetap melirik, gegendang tetap mencari frekuensi. Tapi apakan daya, tangan aku lumpuh. Tak, aku memang sengaja buat-buat lumpuh. Celaka.

'Ignorance is Bliss' kepala lutut abah kau!