Kosong.

There is a lot of things that I disagree, I didn't like, I'm not satisfy. I do feel complaint about it. But I'm more like to keep it to myself or just a short talk of teh o ais. You know, everything in this world is bullshit. Not everything but some, i think mostly. To picketing about it is stupid too. Waste energy, waste time, not funny. Stand for something or you will fall for anything. Hah, stand for something with a picket sign is definitely not gonna work.

I thought i'm out of my mind. Thinking of wicked things all the time. Sometimes I do have half a mind to whack somebody. It is just my common sense come in my way. common sense with a lot of fear. In other word, a sissy coward.

You know what. Why it is so hard to get a job that we want? What is wrong at being choosy? Did we need to accept any jobs that come our way just because we are fresh graduate? hell no. I refuse to be a lame cow who follow anything that moves. Why must every HR dude must be an ass every time they interview someone? To test us? really? or you just vent all your deepest anger towards us? kamon lah.

Money. I face a lot of deficit since my car broke down last week. I thought I could survive without work until next month. But no. Fuck it. But to rant about it in facebook is kind of annoying. Even when I do it I found myself annoyed. Or I just like to pissed of anybody.

Facebook. Lately I noticed a lot of people trying to uptown themselves like they are some sort of high class or something. Some serious all work politician wannabe, some stupid emo bimbo who watched 90210(is this the right code?) beverly hills or one tree hill or something to that matter. They are emoing like every said things by men is a lie. kemon la. And for the guys who talks in Malay are considered low class and rempits. Lu pun makan belacan kot.

For the politician wannabe. All serius kinda dude. Serius a poyo who cant take a joke. Please loosen up a bit. No one will call you tak matang if you acted like kids once in a while. Damn it. If I comment in a joke manner. They would ignore me. Or sometimes I try to being serious, still no response. Why? because we social outcast are not living according to their standard. Tak matang.

Another thing, it soon come to my attention that people with money are like they are living on cloud nine with silver lining serve in silver platter. Just because you had more money than me right now doesnt mean you are allegedly to look down on me. Or be less friendlier with me. It does bring me back to a gathering that I stupidly attended to. I felt like an idiot attend that gathering. Of course some are nice, but mostly are not. I dont know, maybe it is just me. But people sometimes doesn't take me seriously. Fuck them to for all I care.

One more thing. I am no longer to bother accepting any friends from my old school who I never known or remember your existence anymore. The one that I never talked to is the worse. Why? just to add more friends just to look fancy? or you wanna rub somethings in my face just to prove your point that you hated me? OK lah not hate, just unconsciously berlagak.

I've come to term that friends will no longer be friends if you dont contact them anymore. that is fact. Even you're the bestest friends in the world once. But with time, you will come to drift apart. Please accept that. No one can handle being friends forever okay? It is called being nice. If being nice is ignored as well, well go fuck yourself. BFFF? LOL.

My life. I always dream of doing something insignificant to my country. To the world or for the human races especially. To much watching movies I guess. Fantasize the beyond my ability. At least I am too damn aware of any scam. I dont move a single muscle when I saw any bogus boogeymen trying to contact me by the internet. For me, contacting across world wide web is full of sham. Ditto on internet hook ups. Bullshit.

Sometimes, I feel that 90's is the best year ever. No complex pressure. Everything is easy. The internet is at minimum used. Handphone is for the able, not for fancy tard. Did you realize that your status depends on what car did you drive and what phone did you used? People are judgemental. Every last one of them. If they cant see your car, they judge your phone first. Or maybe your clothes. This son of bitches had no style and he is fat to boot. Fat is not handsome I tell you. And being penniless just made it worst.

You know I could easily get uncomfortable eating at fancy restaurant. But I guess among my not so many friends, just one who willing to invite me eating at a fancy restaurant regardless my poor sense of style. Seriously. I am not asking for you to invite me there. Just mamak is okay by me. But when I've been invited to such an alien place for me, I'm thankful. I will never forget your kindness until I die.

I decided to change my life. No more buts. A soon as I score a job, I only devote myself to work. A workaholics. Planning on getting and making every cent that I could. I am tired of acting being okay all the time. Deep inside I'm just miserable as any miserable dude out there.

All my melodramatic trouble will end as soon as I wake up. Maybe because it is late night. Sort of fuck up my mind. I will a nice person once again tommorrow. Good night. Cheerio!

Morale Down.

"Dunia ini tak adil!" - Badak.

Dulu aku gelak saja. Sekarang dah kena baru lah merasa. Bila ada saja rasa kena jentik ulu hati tu, satu badan ketar tak bersebab. Tapi bila gua dapat tahu lampu tak hijau, straight gua masuk Morale Down Zone. Hisap rokok pandang langit sorang-sorang. Rasa cool kejap walaupun melepas.

Badi mana gua kena ni?

Tapi fikir-fikir balik, gua tak rugi mana. Yang tu pun gua consider dekat beratus kali. Banyak benar yang fail dalam kamus gua. Macam gua tak tahu dia cucuk angin saja. Gua pun memang jenis suka melayan. Tapi serius gua tak patut teruskan. Melayan tak apa. Hahaha.

Betul lah apa yang adik gua cakap. Dia sound gua direct punya. Ni semua sebab gua cakap satu hari nanti gua nak belikan BPR gua kasut brand Itali. Lepas tu pula ada chicks yang buat suara manja dalam TV. Adik gua komen negatif, gua suka saja.

Adik gua warning gua awal-awal, jangan cari orang yang berhaluan Itali macam tu. Dan beberapa komen menyampah yang lain. Gua fikir tak jadi hal kot. Hati masing-masing siapa yang tahu buruk baik. Tapi bila gua dah jumpa sendiri, baru gua fikir balik apa adik gua cakap. Memang ada yang tak kena. Gua dengar cakap orang lain pun kata tak suka. Jelak.

Bagi gua yang 24/7 delusional ni, memang gua nampak okay saja. Terbang-terbang bunga kiri kanan. Tapi reality hurts. Benda yang kau suka semua nampak indah pasal kau dah pakai goggles yang tapis semua negativity. Cara nak sedarkan diri adalah dengan mendengar pandangan orang. A whole lot more of negativity. Damn.

Tipu lah kalau lu tak pernah jadi judgemental. Manusia ni sikit tak berkenan saja dah menggeletek. Jangan bohong. Dan, dari apa yang gua judge sendiri, banyak fail dari yang okay. Nevermind, as long as she's single, I could give it a try. Besides, peer pressure maa. Member yang selalu layan kisah delusional gua memang suka paksa gua try. At least try. Tu yang penting.

Tapi bila gua dah tahu lampu tak hijau, gua ikat bendera putih siap-siap.

Sekian cerita letop dari saya. Oyasuminasai.

Reason.

It's been a while since I wrote anything here. I guess I just lost the reason to write or I am just plain tired of writing blogs. Eventhough it is just my personal rambles, somehow it did satisfied me deep inside. I did try to write a few time but keep deleting it in the end. Im no creative, my life is mundane and my English is bad.

I tried to be creative sometimes, but it sucks. I did tried writing poems. It sucks. When i read it back, it had no soul. Im souless engineer to be. While engineer require a certain level of creativity, I just dont have it.

As I grow up, I left my favourite past time, drawing. I have giving up on inventing things. My imagination no longer run wild. I've been introduce to much limitations as an engineer. Everything is indeed impossible. When I was a kid, I had this book of invention. I sketch it and wonder how it will turn out to be. I even made a comic for god sake!

Being a grown up is painful doesn't it? Responsibility, maturity, love, compassion, all that bullshit we had to deal with every day. I dont know. Maybe because of this darkness and boredom around me made me whining about life and all.

Esok OT bhai.

Esok gua OT. Bangla cuti pergi joli pun apa gua kisah.

Minggu ni selesa sikit la gua bekerja. Bos gua pun angin baik. Entah macam mana jadi kamcing gua tak tau tapi apa yang gua tau, kerja mesti kasi ikhlas, tugas disuruh jangan lupa buat. Gua rasa dah macam pekerja contoh bila asyik kena puji. Riang juga lah ulu hati bila kena puji.

Sebenarnya, gua hari-hari pasang taktik. Gua tau gua bukan kaki ampu mulut. Canang sana sini. Gua nak buka cerita pun tak reti. Apa yang gua buat?

1) Muka tekun, muka senyum.

Mimik muka kena praktis. Tapi sebab gua jenis tak banyak cakap, gua memang ada bakat natural buat mimik muka. Masa kerja, gua buat muka tekun. Kalau tak boleh buat, gua panggil member gua. Tak boleh juga gua panggil bos. Tapi tu kena usha line dulu lah. Jangan main redah tanya saja.

Bila orang lain melawak. Kalau gua rasa lawak dia basi, gua senyum saja. Tak pun keh keh hujung tekak. Bila orang gua tak suka buat jelingan merenyam, gua buat tak nampak. Pergi mampus sama lu. Kalau lawa tak apa la der. Ini.... ah, malas gua cerita. Bukan masalah gua memilih lawa ke tidak, ni masalah lu dah tua bhai. Nak cari anak ikan agak-agak lah. Gua rock der. Penting maruah dari wang ringgit. Tak senonoh sungguh.

2) Kalau tak ada kerja, buat-buat ada kerja.

Bukan soal lu nak kipas bos ke apa. Ini soal lu nak jaga hubungan lu dengan bos lu je. Gua tak suka cari musuh. Tapi kalau gua betul, memang gua tegakkan kebenaran gua. Nak takut apa kalau lu betul? Janji lu buat kerja ikhlas, semua tak ada masalah bagi gua.

3) Kalau salah otak mau cepat cover line.

Kalau gua terbuat salah, gua akan cari reason untuk cover line. Kalau bos tak nampak, gua betulkan seberapa segera. Kalau kantoi, gua buat muka seposen. Kalau kena marah jangan melawan dan angguk saja. Paling kurang pun gua moral down sampai balik saja.

4) Elak dari bertembung dengan upper boss.

Upper Boss ni kadang-kadang suka up budak-budak praktikal walaupun benda kecil. Ada sekali gua kena puji dengan upper boss, boss gua dan senior yang lain terpaksa tepuk tangan pada gua. Member gua yang susah payah tunduk bawah conveyor sampai baju kotor pun tak kena puji. Tugas gua catat readings dan report abnormalities pada boss. Gua rasa gua kena puji sebab gua speaking der. Gua kalau cemas kena present, memang gua lupa cakap melayu. Bukan gua nak buat lawak Sharifah Amani, tapi sebab gua dah kebas kena present speaking english masa dekat U dulu. Tapi serius gua rasa lain macam hari tu. Sejak kes hari tu, Gua seboleh-boleh nak elak dari bercakap dengan upper boss gua.

5) Jangan rehat selagi boss tak rehat.

Gua bukan kisah sangat nak pergi kantin rehat der. Member-member gua je suka pressure gua ajak rehat. Ikutkan satu hari tak jejak kantin pun tak kisah. Asal gua dapat smoke dan bantai air watercooler sesuka hati gua dah cukup. Lepas gua settle satu kerja saja, gua akan keluar senyap-senyap hisap rokok. Gua tak ajak member pun. Time kerja gua suka buat perangai solo. Itu yang member gua kadang-kadang terasa hati sama gua. Tapi gua kalau time kerja, kalau boleh gua nak space gua sendiri. Kalau masa nak hisap rokok pun kalau boleh gua tak mau berbual pasal dalam kepala otak gua akan sibuk rangkul strategi seterusnya.

Sial! Dah pukul satu. Gua nak baring sambil berangan kejap.

Annoying Tunes.

Gua hari-hari masuk kerja saja kena tadah lagu senam jepun. Muak lah shial. Sesetengah orang buat pekak saja. Kepala gua selalu main muzik, kalau gua termenung pun bunyi muzik kat kepala, sekali sampai kilang, dengar pula lagu tu, habis lari theme song dalam kepala gua.

Eh, celaka. Dah pukul dua. Gua nak baring pandang siling kejap.

The Last Chapter.

Dah lama gua tak update blog gua ni. Asyik sibuk sama duniawi, siberwi gua dah tak layan mana. Kadang ada teringin mau update. Ye lah, biar pun rage penuh di dada, tapi bila balik kerja, penat, malas rasa nak perangat kepala. Hari-hari duduk simpan dalam dada.

Ni la pengalaman first gua kerja. Sebelum ni kerja McD tak kira. Gua kerja sebulan, gua rasa tak boleh pergi, gua chow je. Kerja ni ada betul sikit landasannya. Tapi kali ni, rock ke tak rock, gua tadah jer. tak boleh nak ikut kepala gua suka-suka nak chow. Praktikal bhai.

Hari ni gua MC. bangun tidur terus gerak klinik ambil MC. Time belajar dulu, bangun je buka facebook, stalk manusia lebih kurang, text member ajak minum. Sekarang dah tak macam dulu. Memang kuat lah terkenang-kenang zaman dulu sekarang ni. Kumat kamit sorang-sorang pun selalu. Dah macam orang tak waras.

Gua tak tahu lah macamana gua nak nilai praktikal gua ni. Apa bagus nya gua tak tahu. Yang gua tahu, gua kena buat benda sama tiap-tiap pagi. Lepas tu troubleshoot mana boleh sana sini. Paling gua sakit sekarang, nak fikir projek. Hangus kepala gua cari idea.

Mula-mula dulu semangat lah. Sekarang dah suam-suam kuku. Ada idea tu ada lah sikit. Tapi kepala gua fikir, idea gua sampah. Tu belum orang lain fikir lagi tu. Konfem taraf najis. Gua ingat nak settle kan proposal projek gua hari ni, tapi bangun pun dah tengahari, ambil MC, cari barang keperluan, lepak minum, tengok drama Melayu, layan facebook, makan nasi, dah masuk malam. Update blog pula tu.

Fedap betul nak kerja esok. Redah saja lah gua fikir. Gua tak ada pun tak ada siapa nak hirau. Maybe umpat gua lebih kurang, lepas tu sambung kerja balik. Ni gua berbelah bahagi. Nak ke tak nak buat proposal ni. Karang kalau terbelah dua proposal ni terjun masuk tong sampah, menyirap pula rasa. Dilema betul.

Kaki gua pula, dah tak rupa kaki orang dah. Kalau nak kata gedabak tu memang dah biasa. Tapi sekarang dah terkupas sana sini. Hari-hari sarung boot ketat. Kental betul kaki gua. Tapi hati gua je tak kental. Tak berapa nak kering. Taman sangat. Dah macam wonderland. Kena kutuk sikit je dah berdesing gegendang telinga gua. Ingat gua ni bodoh alang kelabu asap ke apa?

Orang kata, lumrah lah semua tu. Tapi entah lah. Gua rasa macam celaka jugak la sistem macam tu. Tak adil. Tekanan emosi. Rasa nak buat revolusi tempat kerja pula. Minda orang tua sekarang tak boleh pakai. Tapi akhirnya, kata-kata orang tua juga yang betul. Itu yang gua tak gemar bila dah terkena batang hidung sendiri.

Dah. Gua nak tidur.

[Misery] Exam and FYP.

Please put me out of my misery...

- I am in misery, there ain't no other who can comfort me. - Maroon 5, Misery.