Kerja.

Gua dah lama tak tulis blog.
Hari ini gua tulis blog time kerja.
Kerja gua bagus, gaji bagus, medical bagus, benefit bagus.
Gua puas hati dengan kedudukan gua sekarang.

Tapi gua manusia biasa,
Kalau hari-hari duduk saja, gua jadi bosan,
Hari-hari mengadap notes, WI, schematics, baca sendiri,
Gua tak puas hati, Nak merungut sibuk pasal kerja pun tak boleh.

Kadang-kadang bila gua dengar orang bersungut pasal kerja,
Gua akan fikir, untung la lu ada kerja,
Dari gua yang asyik melanguk from day one,
Kerja-kerja remeh saja yang gua bikin.

Gua tak puas hati bukan apa,
Gua nak kepuasan sebenarnya,
Gua nak apa yang gua usahakan ada hasil,
Bukan makan gaji buta saja.

Lagi pun gua dah join rat race,
Teringin juga gua pintas orang lain,
Mungkin gua gemuk barangkali.
Nafas tak pernah cukup untuk berlumba.

Tak apalah,
Gua tak ambil pusing mana kalau tak ada kerja,
InsyaAllah satu hari nanti gua dapat jadi pekerja berguna buat kompeni gua,
Gua harap di samping keghairahan gua mengejar kerjaya,
Gua tak lupa tuhan dan keluarga.

Entah.

Gua yang semakin tak rock.

Cinta.
Hati siapa tak mahu rasa cinta. Banyak liku-liku yang terpaksa dilalui untuk mengenal hati budi seseorang. Berapa lama kau dah bersedia untuk serius, si dia pula yang tidak bersedia. Apa yang difikirkan aku pun tak tahu. Masih fikir untuk berseronok lagi kah? Masih dibuai rasa takut kisah silam kah? Sukar hendak membuat pilihan kah?

Hati perempuan. Lelaki mana yang master bab-bab ni? Hati kena kering ke? Kalau hati tak kering macamana? Aku mengaku hati aku memang tak kering. Susah sial nak kering hati kepala kau suka fikir macam-macam. Sial.

Kata sayang, kata rindu. Tapi gaya tak serupa yang dikatakan pun. Okay, mungkin lah pernah berkorban sekali dua untuk aku, tapi kalau tengok perangai tu kadang-kadang, rasa tak berkenan saja. Bila ditegur mula tarik muka. Nak cakap gua tak kisah, gua kisah la juga.

Banyak benda yang gua kisah sebenarnya. Bila si dia ucap, kata boleh terima baik buruk dia. Kalau ada benda dia buat kita tak berkenan, takkan tegur pun salah? Bila gua dah buat gaya sayang, gaya ambil berat mula la naik kepala. Perempuan, gua betul-betul tak mengerti. Gua sayang dan cinta sepenuh hati tak cukup lagi kah?

Patutkah aku tinggalkan dia? Patut kah? Dia nampak tak kisah langsung. Kisah kah dia? Aku rasa nak mencarut kalau begini akhirnya, "Awak tak tahu betapa saya cintakan awak sebenarnya. Tapi awak yang buta tak nampak cinta saya. Kalau lah awak sanggup tunggu saya." Tak boleh blah gua. Kalau situasi di mana gua melepas makan asap pula bunyi begini, " Maafkan saya kerana tidak dapat membahagiakan awak, walau macamana pun, saya tetap sayang awak sampai bila-bila." Perghh, kalau gua dapat ayat macam tu habis semua meja yang gua jumpa gua rasa nak terbalikkan.

Entah la.

Kadang-kadang gua rasa fedup bercinta ni. Kadang-kadang gua rasa lemah. Belum pernah lagi gua rasa kuat setakat ni. Cibai. Apasal lemah sangat gua ni bila masuk bab bercinta?

Macam ni lah plan gua. Andai dia baca sekali pun post gua pun gua tak kisah. Apa ya plan gua? Gua takda plan....

Selamat malam.

Have a little faith.

Dear God, Help me. Please.

Prejudice.

Prejudice is making a judgment or assumption about someone or something before having enough knowledge to be able to do so with guaranteed accuracy, or "judging a book by its cover".

Source: Wikipedia

It's been a while folks. I think that I'm gonna stop blogging since I have become far more busy than ever. But I can't. You know, I am a man who can clearly gather my thought straight. All the bad thought before this, all the rant, the whining, the unsatisfied things I left it inside this blog. Since I stopped blogging, my life has become upside down. I can no longer think clearly, I speak before I think, and I had become a bloody prejudice person. And the thing that made sway that way is love.

Thank god I have never fallen in love during my studies. It is like Heaven or Hell things when you involve yourself with love. I think that I'm ready, but then again, who is ready when it comes to love. Only experiences that can make you grow stronger. Have faith. But the bloody thing called faith is not something that everyone is blessed with. I'm trying to think positive, but I just can't. Why is that? When did I have become this low?

I sometimes wonder where did my special speech go. It went like these, "Jangan risau lah. Semuanya akan okay nanti". Well, it did work for the exam, but it never work for love. To trust someone is like to put the tip of a sword directly to the heart. You know you could always ask the significant other but there is some factor called pride is involve in this game. You tried to be cool and not to show that you care too much. But you just can't. There is a always a 'What if'.

Bullshit.

I know that women loves to be care by someone. But sometimes I'm afraid she will suffocate if I show that I care too much. And sometimes I'm afraid that I'm gonna be left with broken heart. Is this normal to you? Is it? Being a human, you tend to listen to what others gonna says. Then you will judge without asking or investigate, then come the prejudice question and the fight will start.

Manly tears. it sound kind of macho in certain ways. But trust me. It is not. Maybe it is easier if you had a switch to your heart. When you wanna leave someone, you just turn off the switch and everything goes blank to right before you know her. Every event with her is a blur. How I wish I could do that. Because this has become too much for me. I'm afraid to let go and I'm also afraid to be left alone. How suck is that?

I saw that other guy are cool with their love one. And someone did said that drama is just for kids. How I wish a have a 'hati kering'. Go to hell with everything. I'm on my own now. I once said to myself that I would never ever trust someone. Not even in the tiniest bit of trust. But when love happen, you just can't help to say that you trust her completely. How stupid is that. In the end, you just can't put your trust in her. Is this the end? Should I stop before I got hurt even more? Should I become a jackass and ask her everything? Is she being straight with me or just play with me? So just she could filled the void in her heart?

Demmit!

Others life beside yours.

You know, to get involve in someone else life is kind of a big deal. Once you get to know someone, you will tend to get close to them, get to know people around them, and of course, you will also get to know their personality. Once you're attach to them, it is kind of hard to let them be by themselves. I dont know where this sense of attachment came from. And it's killing me now. You just cant forget someone easily.

I know, I know very well that I'm going into the depth of hell when I started to get to know her. I know well of the consequences. But still I'm willing to jump into the fire. Burning myself night in, night out. It has been quite a while and honestly I never got tired of her. I know that I foolishly give all my heart to her. But then she seems to have issues with relationship. And for the first time of my life, I felt heart broken. No matter how though a guy is, they always shed a tears for the one that they love.

I know it is hard for her to make a decision. Every single I told myself not to push her for an answer. But I always couldn't help myself. I always find a way to go deep into her heart in hope that I could found her majestic heart. But it seems her heart is full of unfamiliar thorn that pretty much scarred her mind. Paranoid and trauma of past experience made her unwilling to accept me. Or is it me that she is unsatisfied with? It is a single puzzle that I can't solve.

Her behavior towards me, It seems all positive. She even carry along the only present that I gave her. You know, someone couldn't bother to bring them everywhere if they doesn't love you. But the 'best friends' status really hurt my feelings. Everyday I act all positive and casual in front of her. But in fact, I'm afraid of losing her.

It has come to my attention that she still seeking for the best person to make her life partner. And at this point, the uneasiness is chopping my heart like crazy. Am in the KIV status? what is she waiting for? It has been month you know. Although she had explain her current difficult status which I choose to believe, still I'm unsatisfied with her answer.

Crying because of me, always replied my texting, bring anywhere my present for her. What is she thinking exactly? I know she doesn't chase after me. Even when she said 'rindu' or 'sayang', I always felt she not saying that with all her heart.

What boggles my mind the most, is when she said I'm the one that understand her the most. It almost made me cried just to hear it. I swear a lot in my mind at that time. What exactly does she meant? And she always said that if only she had been given the chance to get to know me well or being serious with each other, she will wholeheartedly agreed to it.. I know very well that she had commitment issues.

Being with her is really fun. I always feel happy when we both go out together. But the fact that she hate commitment really breaks my heart. I always want to give up. But I just don't have the heart to do it. For the first time in my life, I dare to get close to the girl I love and this is how it turns to be. The world is damn unfair. Full of drama.

Choices.

2.01 am.

I'm 25 and I'm still figuring out what to do with my life. Until this very second, I'm not sure if the decision I made is good or bad. Up to this, I just go with the flow. Racking my brain every single day and end up sleeping on the floor. Imagining things that is not going to happen. Increasing my waist size. And wasting my time doing nothing.

You see, my life is a mess but I love myself. I have too much things inside my mind that I really dont give a fuck about what is happening in my beloved country. Years ago, I maybe proud calling myself a good countrymen but nowadays, Im just another loser who done nothing to his country besides complaining how unfair life is treating me. Me myself are at lost of what to do with my life, and I simply can't be bother to take side and debating on a bigger matter concerning our country. I have to admit, I know nothing. It is really not my place to say anything.

Well, about my life. Tomorrow im gonna go back to my old school, started living there once again. And I hope I can make it better this time. Me 5 year before are totally different from myself today. And I would like to prove it. Although I'm still unsure, it is better than not to do anything. I even cant make up my mind, so I made someone else decide it for me.

You know, it feels a bit uncool. A bit dorky, so immature. I can decide things for myself but I choose not to. Why? because honestly I can't see myself doing anything for myself. I don't have any ambitions besides to get rich and travel the world. Very Mat Jenin. But all is not loss. I still had my game face and if keep believing, I can do almost anything.

A sane mind and positive thinking is what kept me going these days. And it also made me go undecided. Sometimes I wish I was a bit like Murdock from the A-team. Insane, not thinking, and awesome. Well, whatever it is. I'm going through with this. It already been decided and I have made my mind also. There is no turning back. Game face! here we go.

I feel so sleepy now. When I feel sleepy and still awake, I will think too much until a mountain of agony was built inside my head. What a nice way to end a day. Good Nite!

2.38 am.

Kosong.

There is a lot of things that I disagree, I didn't like, I'm not satisfy. I do feel complaint about it. But I'm more like to keep it to myself or just a short talk of teh o ais. You know, everything in this world is bullshit. Not everything but some, i think mostly. To picketing about it is stupid too. Waste energy, waste time, not funny. Stand for something or you will fall for anything. Hah, stand for something with a picket sign is definitely not gonna work.

I thought i'm out of my mind. Thinking of wicked things all the time. Sometimes I do have half a mind to whack somebody. It is just my common sense come in my way. common sense with a lot of fear. In other word, a sissy coward.

You know what. Why it is so hard to get a job that we want? What is wrong at being choosy? Did we need to accept any jobs that come our way just because we are fresh graduate? hell no. I refuse to be a lame cow who follow anything that moves. Why must every HR dude must be an ass every time they interview someone? To test us? really? or you just vent all your deepest anger towards us? kamon lah.

Money. I face a lot of deficit since my car broke down last week. I thought I could survive without work until next month. But no. Fuck it. But to rant about it in facebook is kind of annoying. Even when I do it I found myself annoyed. Or I just like to pissed of anybody.

Facebook. Lately I noticed a lot of people trying to uptown themselves like they are some sort of high class or something. Some serious all work politician wannabe, some stupid emo bimbo who watched 90210(is this the right code?) beverly hills or one tree hill or something to that matter. They are emoing like every said things by men is a lie. kemon la. And for the guys who talks in Malay are considered low class and rempits. Lu pun makan belacan kot.

For the politician wannabe. All serius kinda dude. Serius a poyo who cant take a joke. Please loosen up a bit. No one will call you tak matang if you acted like kids once in a while. Damn it. If I comment in a joke manner. They would ignore me. Or sometimes I try to being serious, still no response. Why? because we social outcast are not living according to their standard. Tak matang.

Another thing, it soon come to my attention that people with money are like they are living on cloud nine with silver lining serve in silver platter. Just because you had more money than me right now doesnt mean you are allegedly to look down on me. Or be less friendlier with me. It does bring me back to a gathering that I stupidly attended to. I felt like an idiot attend that gathering. Of course some are nice, but mostly are not. I dont know, maybe it is just me. But people sometimes doesn't take me seriously. Fuck them to for all I care.

One more thing. I am no longer to bother accepting any friends from my old school who I never known or remember your existence anymore. The one that I never talked to is the worse. Why? just to add more friends just to look fancy? or you wanna rub somethings in my face just to prove your point that you hated me? OK lah not hate, just unconsciously berlagak.

I've come to term that friends will no longer be friends if you dont contact them anymore. that is fact. Even you're the bestest friends in the world once. But with time, you will come to drift apart. Please accept that. No one can handle being friends forever okay? It is called being nice. If being nice is ignored as well, well go fuck yourself. BFFF? LOL.

My life. I always dream of doing something insignificant to my country. To the world or for the human races especially. To much watching movies I guess. Fantasize the beyond my ability. At least I am too damn aware of any scam. I dont move a single muscle when I saw any bogus boogeymen trying to contact me by the internet. For me, contacting across world wide web is full of sham. Ditto on internet hook ups. Bullshit.

Sometimes, I feel that 90's is the best year ever. No complex pressure. Everything is easy. The internet is at minimum used. Handphone is for the able, not for fancy tard. Did you realize that your status depends on what car did you drive and what phone did you used? People are judgemental. Every last one of them. If they cant see your car, they judge your phone first. Or maybe your clothes. This son of bitches had no style and he is fat to boot. Fat is not handsome I tell you. And being penniless just made it worst.

You know I could easily get uncomfortable eating at fancy restaurant. But I guess among my not so many friends, just one who willing to invite me eating at a fancy restaurant regardless my poor sense of style. Seriously. I am not asking for you to invite me there. Just mamak is okay by me. But when I've been invited to such an alien place for me, I'm thankful. I will never forget your kindness until I die.

I decided to change my life. No more buts. A soon as I score a job, I only devote myself to work. A workaholics. Planning on getting and making every cent that I could. I am tired of acting being okay all the time. Deep inside I'm just miserable as any miserable dude out there.

All my melodramatic trouble will end as soon as I wake up. Maybe because it is late night. Sort of fuck up my mind. I will a nice person once again tommorrow. Good night. Cheerio!